Mountainous Mole-Hills

I'll Tell You Who Sucks

2006-09-20T21:23:00.000+10:00

I might make this into a regular feature, "You Suck And Here's Why". I'll start off with Shakespeare.

Shakespeare, you suck. Get with the times, man! If everybody dies at the end, that's not a comedy! Unless they all die but one guy who robs them, rubs their dead penises, and then says "I guess that makes me a prickpocket", that's hilarious. And sexy.

They didn't have Bic's in his day, so I'm pretty sure that he wrote at least one play with a quill. I would say that anybody who writes with a quill is gay, but it's already obvious that Shakespeare was a flaming homo, and Othello proved that he liked his penis the same way I like my coffee; black. He also liked his coffee the same way I like my penis, but that's another post for another day.

That's A Small Bitch

2006-09-19T14:27:00.000+10:00

See, it's just a myth that there's protein in semen.

Wow, that's two jizz-jokes in two posts. I'd be ashamed of myself if I could experience human emotion.

Stink Holeson

2006-09-19T14:15:00.000+10:00

According to the gossip fag, both the Olsen twins wore a band-aid on the same foot this weekend. He speculates that maybe they got matching tattoos, but I'm thinking something a little darker. Maybe that's the spot they prefer to inject their crystal meth? That would also explain their weight, considering it's hard to pack on the pounds when every day you only eat a Snickers, a few ounces of orange juice and maybe a shot of jizz.

News in Nothingness

2006-09-18T23:48:00.000+10:00

According to In Touch Weekly, Tara Reid narrowly evaded arrest several weeks ago. That's right, she had a breast reduction.

Hopefully while she was in there she also removed that hideous areola-scar that made me proclaim I would never masturbate again, then quickly change that to "never masturbate to that picture of Tara Reid", then make an even quicker change to "never masturbate to that part of that picture.

Also, lately there have been a few photoshopped pictures of Lindsay Lohan's vagina. To me, this is very strange. I don't find vaginas to be all that attractive. Sure, I love the feeling, and I feel an incredible pull towards it, but when it comes down to it, I'd much rather look at some T and/or A than a vagina. Especially one of a redhead because they creep me out. Plus, us Mormon's believe that freckles are a punishment just a step below what he gave the American Indians.

Ma(nface)donna

2006-09-18T23:00:00.000+10:00

Madonna has a lot of connections to the AIDS virus. Both came around in the 80s, were originally known by a different name, and are now more popular amongst gay people than straight.

However, there is quite a disconnect in the attraction department, since despite how much you like her music, no man gay or straight would find her attractive. Seriously, the outfit she donned for the video "Hung Up" wasn't a leotard, but rather a full body granny-panty.

If only Madonna would literally fuck herself and die of AIDS, I'd be a happy man.

I'm Back

2006-09-18T22:56:00.000+10:00

That's right, I'm blogging again. I couldn't stand it, I just need to put my dick jokes somewhere. Stay tuned.

The (cough) Virgin Mary

2006-05-09T21:18:00.000+10:00

The Virgin Mary apparently gave birth to Jesus about 2000 years ago. Women bitch about child-birth now, but could you imagine pushing out a child on a bed made of straw, no pain medication, and with an in-tact hymen?

I don't think she was a virgin. I think that her husband, Josef, just had a really small penis. When the doctor of their day went in for the examination he declared "My God, this woman is still a virgin". Josef's there in the background saying "Yeah, sure, a virgin. If I had sex with her I would have torn that thing up!"

Stop Writing Poetry About It And Do It Already!

2006-05-07T17:23:00.000+10:00

People who walked around all in black, wearing eye-liner, really piss me off. "Why do people think I'm a freak?" Because you went out of your way to look like one, that's why.

If you make a conscious decision to appear in such a way that many people consider to be that of a freak, then we will consider you yourself to be a freak. It's just like when I exposed myself at the primary school, and people rightly assumed I was a pedophile. Everybody except for Johnny Law, that is, who bought my story that I was just tying my shoes, slipped, and accidently penetrated that 8 year old's "turkish delight".

It puts you in a vicious cycle. You feel ostracised, so you crazy yourself up, and then people ostracise you more because the mascara means nobody would ever want to spend any time with you. So, next time you're listening to a Nine Inch Nails album and gently tracing a razor over your wrists, please, push a little harder, like I did with that 8 year old.

Got Cancer?

2006-05-05T17:41:00.000+10:00

Today and tomorrow, and yesterday as well, are the Worlds Greatest Shave For a Cure, in which you shave your head to show your commitment to the Leukaemia Foundation. Or you can just colour your hair to show how semi-committed-but-not-really you are to the Leukaemia Foundation.

I'm not going to be doing anything, because I'm a good, God-fearing man, and if a child has cancer then maybe God just wants him to die. If God wants us to find a cure, then you're no more likely to find it contributing money and shaving your head than I am while stuffing bills into a strippers G-string and shaving my balls to rid myself of the crabs that were transmitted while getting a special 2-song vag-on-knee-dance from Candi because she's the least attractive stripper there but that's only because of the C-section scars, the rest of her body is a solid 6.

Who knew cancer could be so cathartic?

(Recently I got a hit from the search term "strippers with c section scars", so hopefully this post will bring in a few more perverts)

Hey Hey Hey!

2006-05-04T17:21:00.000+10:00

If you like traditional sitcoms or bad stand-up comedy, then you know that women don't like it when men leave the toilet seat down. Here's the thing: why don't you leave it up? If you would learn how to work a hinge, this wouldn't even be a problem.

It's just another way for women to subtly control you and undermine your manhood at the same time, like when they get you to buy them tampons, or say "deeper!" If I could go any deeper I would, I'm not an idiot. I just have a small dick and by the way, thanks for pointing it out, bitch.

No You Ih-Int!

2006-05-02T17:56:00.000+10:00

I have a problem with any man who says "we're pregnant". You aren't both pregnant, you aren't both going to give birth, and hell, you probably didn't even both orgasm during the conception. It's just a way for a guy to feel like he's involved in a pregnancy, because other than the conception, the only things a guy has to do is either hand out cigars to his buddies, or pay the aborton physician.

Why not include the foetus in this, too? It's about as pregnant as you'll ever be, and it is further up in the birth canal than you'll ever get.

Lastly, I'd like to explain my stance on abortion. My stance is basically towards the top of the uterus, that way it helps push out the blob-child.

Something I've Realised Lately

2006-05-01T19:14:00.000+10:00

The movie You Got Served is basically like a Christian skate movie, but without the Jesus elements. I don't have any jokes about this, I just think it's a rather good analogy.

A Quick/Bad/Obvious Joke Rather Than A Real Post

2006-05-01T02:23:00.000+10:00

Keith Richards Injures Himself Falling Out of Coconut Tree Scientists are now researching coconut anti-venom as possible cure for hepatitis.

Breast Cancer

2006-04-29T16:45:00.000+10:00

If my girlfriend had breast cancer, somewhere within the recesses of my mind, I know that I would think "More titty for me". And then after the chemo they look like a skeleton, but the cancer stays and so the tits are comparitively huge!

You can't get your boyfriend to give you a breast exam because we won't tell you if we find anything. Anything in there that means more titty is fine by us.

Then when they find it themselves and start with the therapy you can take advantage of the chemo by having sex with them while they're asleep. Get them to do all the things they wouldn't normally do like tit-fucking. They wake up like, "Hey, what's this dried white matter around my neck?" That's just your white blood cells, honey, they come out that way.

ShmOCD

2006-04-25T13:40:00.000+10:00

I have this disorder where I have to wash my hands all the time, like 20 times a day. I think it's called necrophilia.

But seriously, it's kind of related to OCD, but with me its every time I hear a celebrity talking about their apparent "OCD", I want to slap them in the face. You don't have OCD, you're just an actor. That means you have too much money and too much time. "Gee, I just got paid $8 million for 3 months of pretending. What should I do now?.... I wonder how many tiles are in my bathroom." That's not OCD.

I have OCD moreso than any celebrity, with the exception of that glove loving baldie Howie Mandel. With my disorder I have to check the toilet paper after every time I wipe my ass. If there's something on there, I wipe again, if it's clean, then I'm done, and all I have to do is tuck that baby back onto the roll for next time. It's recycling, I'm saving the world. It's a good thing so I dont think it should be called a disorder. In fact, they're trying to change the name right now, but they can't decide what to call it. They first changed it to "Anal Recyling Syndrome" but the gays heard about it and we had a lawsuit on our hands.

Movie Sex Just Aint Sex

2006-04-24T03:23:00.000+10:00

Movies like to romanticize everything, especially sex. They always show a mutual orgasm, and then the two people lay there, contentedly, and whisper sweet nothings into each others ears. They never show the guy falling asleep immediately, while the woman waddles over to the toilet to deposit the semen drooling down her leg. They never show the "No, I don't have a condom" awkwardness, and they definitely never show the necessary punching in the face that I've found enhances a man's orgasm.

Don't freak out, that was just a joke. I always make sure she beats me with either a bag of oranges or a garden hose during sex, since that doesn't leave a bruise.

MTV Is |-|4RdC0R3

2006-04-23T17:35:00.000+10:00

James Blunt is not a "rock star". He is a faggoty worthless person with reptilian lips and eyes that are a strange distance apart. His song "Goodbye My Lover" should be renamed "Goodbye Vagina", as it's more truthful.

On a related note, Vanessa Amorosi's song "Shine" contains the lyrics "Everyone you see, everyone you know is going to shine", which where originally "Everyone you see, everyone you know is going to die". Just another example of corporate whorism blatantly changing the obvious truth, much in the same way that James Blunt is now touted as a rock star, when originally he was an effeminate loner, scribbling the name "Wham!" onto his sneakers.

If this was a just world he would come to Australia so that i could spit in his face.

The Ethics of Urination

2006-04-22T00:02:00.000+10:00

When going to public toilets, I suffer from "Stage Fright". Instead of just urinating and getting the hell out of there like a normal person, I have to stand around with my penis out, doing nothing for 2 minutes, waiting for the flow to start. You'd think that if my subconscious has some aversion to this practise, then it would want it over as soon as possible, rather than forcing me into a very embarrassing situation.

Many people follow the obvious rule of not talking at the urinal. Nobody really likes to carry on a conversation with a stranger while holding your genitalia. However, some people do not follow another rule that I would like to share with you now. If there is one person at a urinal, do not stand in the middle of it, right next to the current user. Take the spots at the corners first. Then, and only then, can the central expanse of piss-steel be filled.

Standing at a urinal, especially one located within a bar, is much like being part of a firing range. 2, maybe 3 men stand there in silence, with their proverbial "weapons" out, aiming and firing. Often with a cigarette dangling from the corner of your mouth, and if you are unfortunate enough to be struck by friendly-fire, it would be a horrible disaster, and must never be spoken of.

Everybody Hates Josh

2006-04-21T14:50:00.000+10:00

I wish I was Josh Hartnett. Not only could I have sex with Scarlett Johansson, but if I was Josh Hartnett, it would be a lot easier for me to kill Josh Hartnett.

A lot of people seem to hate him right now, but how could you after his role in Sin City? He played a small part that leaves a lot of doors open and by the time his role is explained you probably don't care that much anymore. If you watch Lost then you should love that.

Josh is not a tough name, unless you're that guy from Lethal Weapon, Mr Joshua. Even though he wasn't tough enough to kill Mel Gibson, he was still pretty badass.

People give me money and I give them sex

2006-04-20T15:25:00.000+10:00

Yes, I'm whoring for traffic again, but don't worry, there will be a real post tomorrow. Until then, here's a story from the top searches on Technorati.

On my recent flight I saw a clip of the new South Park that somebody posted on their Myspace. Afterwards I looked up the Wikipedia entry for Merkel but was distracted by the page for the old TV show "Family Matters". I talked to the guy next to me about American Idol. He told me he watched it every week, and I spat in his face. That's when I realised he was reading The Decider Sticks With The Derider, so I asked him iraq ii or a nuclear iran? He didn't understand, and instead called security. I was escorted off the plane as if I was on Air Force One and declared that I was born in Iran. The guards used pepper spray on me, and in my delirium I forgot to use a lot of search terms, so I just blurted them out with no relevance to anything. Duke Lacrosse Michelle Malkin Scott Mcclellan Facebook Suri

Traffic is nice, but at what cost?

2006-04-20T14:53:00.000+10:00

Here are the stranger search terms that brought people here, and I'm not sure I like it.

15 inch vagina
japanese hardcore pornography
gay porn movies
huge cock
semen blogurl:blogspot.com
"ass to mouth"

that's all the strange/porn terms, now for the rest...
two pump chump
mole hills
basic instinct leg crossing
sureslim is unhealthy
basic instinct portman bald
rolling fags
sweet nothings whisper
coloured tampons
sureslim online
loveline vodka tampon
blackface
janet jackson leaked
Pornographic

Gmail Be Crazy

2006-04-19T18:39:00.000+10:00

This is the strangest spam I've ever received

CHEEAP WAY TO BIGGER UR SHORT & THIN D11CK
Mollie Veola
shining already rich thats prison make?
allow companion explain,
pretty side he money yours.
slow off window companion similar.
somewhere tying parents commit. pride night steps sandwich why purpose,

There is no link, no phone number, no way for them to make any money from me Why does it exist? It seems like a bad poetry slam. And yes, I realise that "bad poetry slam" is kind of a tautology.

Speaking of spam, Gmail believes that I enjoy canned meats for some reason. Above the emails they will link to a news story, or latest sports score, and recently recipes. The interesting thing is that they all involve Spam.

50 Cent For $49.99

2006-04-18T18:04:00.000+10:00

There is a new video game featuring 50 Cent as the main character. When you get shot the game ends. Not because you are dead, but because it caused you're album to go platinum, and now you have lost all street-cred, gained through the selling of crack cocaine.

The traditional third-person perspective has been ditched for the more urban "fird-nigga", and a variety of weapons are available, including, but not limited to

Glock
Bad Yo Mama Jokes
Banging A Rival's Sister

And finally, in the same way as GTA could be completed by either completing all missions, or earning $1 million, you can complete this game by "Capping all Niggaz", or shooting yourself and earning an extra $1 million in sales than your rival.

National Pornographic

2006-04-13T21:42:00.000+10:00

I’m not a racist, but I don’t like black guys in my porno, for a couple of reasons.

First off, the big-dick stereotype doesn’t help me one bit. When I’m watching a porno it’s because I couldn’t get laid that night; seeing that huge cock just takes me down another peg. Whether or not the steretype is true is open for debate, but if you're in porn it's because you have a huge cock, everything else is secondary. Ron Jeremy didn't get where he is (and inside who he's been inside) from his looks.

I don't get into lesbian videos too much, when I watch porn I need to see penis. I'm not gay, but I watch porn and imagine that I'm that guy. I can't do that with inter-racial movies, unless the guy is actually white, but wearing full blackface make-up. I'm sure there's blackface porn out there somewhere, but it wouldn't be too mainstream. I mean, if this (NSFW) exists, then anything can.

Secondly, white semen coming out of a black penis just looks wrong. I see it, and then when I cum I expect it to be black and that freaks me out even more. Also, black guy's are pale on the soles of their feet and hands. Well, from what I’ve seen the opposite appears to be true for the ball sack. It's as if they had the black poured onto them, while standing with their feet and hands on the ground, and as it ran down his body it all collected in the folds of his sack.

That actually does sound a little racist, but I didn't mean it that way and this blog isn't a place for political correctness. If you want jokes about the African-American scrotum, then this is the place. If you want some liberal PC-crap, then you might like it a little better over here

I Hear There's Lies On The, Uh, Internets

2006-04-11T22:33:00.000+10:00

Sometimes when people type LOL into a chatroom, or on a blog, i just don't believe they're actually laughing out loud. People tack it onto the end of their crappy jokes, which are not actually jokes, but rather a reference to Brokeback Mountain. You see that they've typed "LOL", and they've only done this so that the stupid people who read it will know when it's supposed to be funny.

Whenever people type "LOL" it is not necessary, and you are not actually laughing out loud. You are lying. If somebody writes something on the internet that isn't true, that's fine, so long as it is either interesting or funny. I just explained that it isn't funny, and the type of person who uses the acronym "LOL" in any way shape or form is an idiot, so it is certainly not interesting. The next time you feel the urge to type those three letters, you can drown in your ocean of lies, which will be mixed with my semen after I rape your corpse.

Creative Whoring

2006-04-11T16:22:00.000+10:00

Instead of just posting the top search terms from Technorati in order to whore for traffic, I compiled them all into a nonsensical paragraph in order to whore for traffic.

So, Sondaggi Elezioni and I were discussing the Exit Poll in Iran with Duke Lacrosse, when he segued into a Judas Priest Video he had seen on Youtube, whereas I saw it on Myspace. I asked him if he would like to go ass-to-mouth, and he said “Yes He Would”. Berlusconi was worried about Global Warming, but I reassured him that with Immigration in the state it is now, there will be plenty of Mexican prostitues with names like “Jade Seah”, who will give you a Platzeck for $10. I don't know what it is exactly, but I do know it involves tobasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.

Getting A Little Philosophical

2006-04-10T17:54:00.000+10:00

If a tree falls in the woods and there is nobody there to hear it, then yes, you are a fucking douche-bag for asking that question.

(This is my 100th post, and I'm damn proud of the wise words with which I chose to mark this occasion)

Thoughts From Today

2006-04-10T15:49:00.000+10:00

People say smoking stinks up your clothes. Being a smoker I don't really care about that, I've got no sense of smell! Those two negatives cancel each other out; two wrongs don't make a right, but they do make something that is ineffectual, and considering a previous wrong has been done, isn't it a right in itself to cancel out a wrong?

Just so you know, I actually wasn't high when I wrote this. I just let my train-of-thought pour onto my keyboard, much in the same way as when I'm surfing for internet porn and I carelessly don't lay down enough paper towel.

Picking Up Chicks

2006-04-09T03:33:00.000+10:00

A lot of guys are stupid enough to believe that pick-up lines are a good technique of introducing yourself to a woman (myself included). Well, I've got a great one I'd like to share with you. There's some subtle nuances and if you do it correctly you will get sex every time. First off, you say "Hey, did it hurt?", they of course say "did what hurt?", and you reply "this" and then rape her. It works every time.

But seriously, the best pick-up line ever? Cocaine. The numbing effect has two main advantages. First, you can be as rough as you want, because she won't feel it, and secondly, once she figures out that the coke has numbed her senses, she'll think that's why she can't feel you, rather than the sad truth that you have a small penis.

Another great way to pick up a girl is to tell her you're a producer, offer her acting work and do lines of coke from a pinball machine. What she doesn't know is that you're looking to cast her in a sequel to "The Accused".

Small Post

2006-04-06T21:53:00.000+10:00

I haven't posted much this week, and I havent got anything really saved up, so I'm sorry. And yes, I'm talking to both of you regular readers. Anyway, here's the post...

Women always complain about how if a guy gets around he's a champion, but if a woman gets around she's a slut. You know why that stereotype exists? Because of women!
If a known slut walks into a room, a group of women will look at each other and say "Fucking slut!", whereas a group of guys will look at each other and cheer "Hey, fucken slut!", they run over there, and try to get it sucked.

To make up for the crappiness of that post (and whore for some traffic), here are some recent search terms that brought people here.
BIG DICK GAY
fabiana bertoldi
Christianity fed up
"choking game"
the choking game
delhi "public swimming pool"
d'angelo
"Steve York"
"aeon fux"
fux theron
kate moss coke
"men using tampons"
leg crossing" scene from Basic Instinct
"basic instinct"+"leg crossing"

You Heard It Here First

2006-04-02T19:55:00.000+10:00

Can I get serious here for a second? Probably not, but there's only one way to find out, so lets go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I declare that the terrorists have officially won.

I catch the bus to get around this city, and to avoid eye-contact with other people I usually read a book, stare at the advertisements overhead, or take my penis out and whisper sweet nothings into stranger's ears. One of the advertisements caught my eye which asks that if you see an unattended bag you report it to the police.

5 years ago if I saw an unattended bag I would think to myself "Some kid left his bag on the bus. Now he won't have his books, his lunch, or his insulin" and then I would laugh and laugh. But now we're supposed to call the police? Whatever happened to "If they change our way of life then the terrorists have won?" Well, they've changed our way of life, and they have won.

I'll Instinctually Walk Out

2006-03-31T14:16:00.000+11:00

Everybody has seen the infamous leg-crossing scene from Basic Instinct, and everybody has masturbated. I'm not necessarily putting those two events together, but you can if you want.

So far, Basic Instinct 2 has received an 11 (out of 100) on the Tomatometer, which seems a little generous. Judging from the advertisements they're just hanging on the vaginal exposure of the last movie, and showing a lot of skin, which is easy to do with Sharon Stone's stretchy old-woman cooze.

Sharon Stone's 48 years old now, and we know that after Basic Instinct came out she was big business, and by that I mean everybody in the world wanted to bang the bejuses out of her. To quote Doug Stanhope, I'd imagine her vagina now looks " like somebody stepped in a rotting pigs carcass"

(I Want To) Fuck You!

2006-03-30T13:13:00.000+11:00

Hot girls nowadays are getting younger and younger. In about 30 years they'll be so young, people will be beatng off to old Shirley Temple movies, when it would be more appropriate to be beating off to movies of old Shirley Temple.

JoJo, Hillary Duff, etc. They're bombarding our TV screens and shaking all around, causing mixed feelings of wanting to mix DNA, and that's not cool.

I'm a guy, and if you are a girl who has some semblance of even a single breast, I wouldn't mind having sex with you. It's not perverted, it's just the way men are, which actually might be perverted, but either way it's just the way we are.

This Weeks Box Office

2006-03-28T15:50:00.000+11:00

1. Inside Man. Bank robbers, or are they? All I can say is it's amazing that the "baddies" are white guys in a Spike Lee movie.
2. V for Vendetta. Demi moore bald in GI Jane wasn't good. Natalie Portman bald in this movie... not really good either.
3. Stay Alive. A killer-video-game movie. Welcome back to the 80s, people.
4. Failure To Launch. If anybody has seen this movie, please leave your name and address in a comment, so I can set you on fire while you're sleeping.
5. The Shaggy Dog. Same thing goes for this one. Why would you take a shitty movie and make it even shittier? Tim Allen needs to get back on the coke, because he's getting older and hopefully he will blow out a heart valve now.
6. She's the Man. Finally, Hollywood has taken a chance on a young girl with no tits. Oh, wait, they just made another pre-teen piece of shit. I guess Hollywood still mostly sucks afterall.
7. Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. How could a guy who thinks that motor oil is a good sexual lubricant possibly be a health inspector? I guess that's the joke, and if it is then it follows Larry The Cable Guy's ethos of not being funny.
8. The Hills Have Eyes. The tagline for this is "What you can't see , can kill you!" I see what they did there. It's like a bait-and-switch. Pure gold.
9. Eight Below. Paul Walker is a piece of shit. This seems an awful lot like Snow Dogs, only unlike Snow Dogs this has a white guy in it, and it will be funny. Not because there are any jokes, but because Paul Walker thinks he has a career.
10. 16 Blocks. For some reason I just despise this title. I'll probably see the movie, but the title just seems so pretentious. It has Bruce Willis in it, he was in Die Hard, don't try to give it a weird title and pretend it's all artsy and has any meaning at all. I just want you to shoot somebody in the face.

Sure, You're Super

2006-03-27T16:48:00.000+11:00

Model's are all stupid, let's just admit it. They can't do anything. When you really get down to it, their job is to wear clothes, and make us think about what they would look like if they weren't wearing those clothes. If you got paid for just walking around, and everybody told you how great you were at it, why would you ever need to learn anything? You wouldn't, and so they don't.

I like it when they call themselves supermodels. It always makes me think of a retarded child who calls himself "special", when they can't even wipe their own ass. This is quite an apt analogy, considering that the numbness caused by the vast mountains of cocaine these women ingest must make proper asshole cleansing quite a daunting task. That's why models who dip too far into the cocaine mountain lose work. Not because of the adverse effects of the coke on their minds, but because with a shitty ass-hole, it's difficult to get a publicist and photographer aroused, and so no more work. At least no non-pornography work.

Freeze My Wha?

2006-03-26T16:48:00.000+11:00

There are two types of Cryonic freezing, one more expensive than the other. You can have your whole body frozen, but for those cheap-skate futurists there is a cheap version where, when you die they cut off your head, freeze that, but then your body just goes in the trash. That's great, because when I'm unfrozen the first thing I want to do is look down and see another mans dick.

And you know the only guys who will do this are crazy nerds with lots of cash to throw around, so it's not like they're gonna have a big dick on them. If they did they wouldn't have spent their time studying in high school, they would have been getting laid.

Another problem is the unfreezing process. Maybe some parts of you will defrost quicker than others, like the shit still in your colon, depending on what you ate. When you wake up, after you've had your semi-gay new penis experience you're asshole will be cold. You'd be worried that some horny guy woke up earlier than you did and his still-half-frozen appendage was his penis. With the aid of ice he had the hardest erection of his life, and he just had to try it out on somebody.

I'll Contend You!

2006-03-24T12:19:00.000+11:00

Australian TV is only just now airing the Sylverstor Stallone/Mark Burnett(Survivor, The Apprentice) show "The Contender". From what I gather on the commercials, I don't want to watch this show. Other than that I know that all the fighters are participating to win the $1million prize as a "last chance", and "for their families". How great a family man can you be when it's you're job to repeatedly punch another man in the head until he falls over?

Apparently Sly is making another Rocky movie, which is a horrible idea. That means Appollo Creed will have died two movies ago. What are they going to do for a token black guy? I'll tell you what they'll do for a token black guy. (That sentence is irrelevant since once I begin telling you what they will do, you should probably be confident that it was a rhetorical question, but anywhoo...) I propose that 50 cent be in the new Rocky movie. If it hurts his career, good. If it helps his career, then at least we can all watch the final scene of the movie over and over again to see 50 be beaten by a man so old it wouldn't be historically innacurate to end the movie with Rocky turning a fire house and a German Shephard on him.

Let Them Do It!

2006-03-22T22:54:00.000+11:00

Abdul Rahman, an Afghan citizen, is set to be executed for converting to Christianity, and it seems the bloggers are upset about this. Like most other things, my stance is quite the opposite. I say kill him. Not for converting to Christianity, sepcifically, but for 2 main reasons.

1. for having such strong religious views at all, and
2. for being so damn indecisive about it. If you are dumb enough to be religious, just pick one and stick with it, no matter how stupid it is.

Leave Me Out Of It!

2006-03-22T16:06:00.000+11:00

If my wife is having a kid, why the fuck do I have to be in the delivery room? I don't want to see that! I didn't even want the kid! A blow job would have been fine, but no! You had to be penetrated didn't you, you harlot!

If I have to be in the delivery room, then don't expect to be penetrated ever again! I bet you'd hate that, you and your meat-hungry orifice.

What ever happened to the days when a father would spend that time handing out cigars and telling stories of the many "krauts" he's encountered, and subsequently slaughtered, hoping against hope that the adage "Like father like son" will prove true. Just as his wife is filling a bedpan with meconium, he was filling his lungs with cancer-enducing sludge.

Ahh, the good old days.

But I Like To Get Wasted!

2006-03-22T13:28:00.000+11:00

You can now be arrested in Texas for being drunk, even if you have no intention of driving.

The article explains that it's about saving lives, but think about this; if you can't get drunk then, sure, less people will be killed in drink-driving accidents. However, measure that up against the decreased birth-rate due to this anti-innebriation law.

Child Birth, Shmild Birth

2006-03-20T21:21:00.000+11:00

People say that child birth is a miracle, but those people are idiots. How many miracles occur that involve a woman straining so hard that her vagina tears and she craps herself? Disregarding my miraculous love-making techniques, of course, but what other miracles?

It's not a miracle and everybody knows it. Even unborn foetuses know it's horrible that's why they don't come out for nine months. I mentally blocked out the first few years of my life just in case it happened again.

That's what puberty is, you're body finally getting over the shock, and realising that not all vagina's look like that.

This concludes today's lesson.

(Insert Irish Jokes Here)

2006-03-17T22:28:00.000+11:00

So, St. Patricks Day has come and gone. I celebrated by acting like an Irish-man-getting drunk in the middle of the day for no reason at all. There were lots of people doing the same, and the crowd was mainly Irish up until about 5 o'clock, when everybody who isn't Irish got off their jobs and started drinking.

Ok, enough with the Irish jokes. Except for another quick one. A friend drank something called an "Irish Viagra". He hasn't been able to get a boner yet.

On the blog side of things, if you're looking for more traffic why not join BlogAdvance? (Preferably with me as your referrer)

Boobies

2006-03-16T19:10:00.000+11:00

Breast cancer is attracting attention everywhere, you see it all over the place. Well, Superman sees it all over the place because he's got X-ray vision, but we just see it on TV and stuff.

I truly believe, though, that every guy whos girlfriend/wife whatever gets breast cancer, there's a certain part of him that thinks "Cancerous growth? That's more boob for me!"

So, when God punishes me for being such a hateful person by giving me testicular cancer, I won't be sad that I may die, I'll be sad because my penis will look much smaller in comparison. I will, however, look forward to my next ejaculation, just to see wether or not the growth increased my "volume".

Blog has moved

2006-03-09T21:44:00.000+11:00

I'm now writing over at http://www.blogcharm.com/latewill
Can you guess why?

I'm putting up a few of my better pieces over there while I work on some more material for the future.

Also, I'll be duplicating everything from that blog on this one, considering Technorati doesn't like BlogCharm.

Because She's A Whore

2006-01-31T12:54:00.000+11:00

Paris Hilton has admitted that she doesn't remember some of her friends names.
More specifically, she doesn't know how to pronounce those names with an empty mouth.

Whoring For Traffic

2006-01-31T12:48:00.000+11:00

This hours top Technorati searches

1. Steve Kubby
If you searched for this guy then you are definitely a hippie.
2. Du Bist Deutschland
Sure
3. James Frey
James Frey sucks. And you suck for caring about him.
4. Alito
Alito sucks, too
5. Ted Koppel
He writes a column now. So what?
6. Ipod
Ipods suck
7. Filibuster
Filibusters I actually like. It's funny that people actually have to listen to them read out of the cookbook. Well done, America. Everybody's opinion is just as valid as everybody elses, even if their opinion is about spare ribs.
8. Bob Woodruff
I got nothing
9. Denmark
Yes, it IS a country
10. Apple
That company sucks
11. Brokeback Mountain
Ang Lee should hurry up and make the new Incredible Hulk movie. Not so I can see it, but so people will shut the fuck up about Brokeback Mountain.
12. Fabiana Bertoldi
This guy has a funny name.
13. Jill Carroll
Tim's wife from Home Improvement?
14. Blog
This is one
15. Enron
Sounds like a brand of roll-on deodorant.

Sheehan, Shmeehan

2006-01-30T18:26:00.000+11:00

Peace activist Cindy Sheehan recently called President Bush "Mr Danger" while announcing plans to protest outside his ranch in Texas.
Soon after Bush replied, "That's just ridiculous. I prefer to be called Mr Freedom"

A Quick Joke For Today

2006-01-29T15:04:00.000+11:00

Joaquin Phoenix has escaped a car accident without injury after his breaks failed
It took doctors some time to declare him uninjured, until Phoenix told them his lip was supposed to look like that.

Actually, It's Only About 30,000 Little Pieces

2006-01-28T16:02:00.000+11:00

So, A Million Little Pieces is all bullshit. That's fine. What I have a problem with is the people getting upset about it. "Why did you lie?" "I feel betrayed", and many more overly-dramatic statements were made by Oprah recently, which isn't really surprising. Afterall, you've got to have some trust issues if you were raped at 14 and pushed out a still-born.

Crappy Late-Night TV Jokes For Today

2006-01-25T15:51:00.000+11:00

A 78 year old woman was bitten twice by a 1.5m brown snake while knitting and watching television
Of course, being 78 years old, this is the first time she's felt a snake while on the couch, in a very long time.

Donald Trump is suing the writer of a book claiming his net worth to be at most $250 million.
Apparently, Donald Trump hasn't filed a suit about the book's 2.5inch over-estimate of his penis size.

Chris Penn, has died at the age of 40. Coroner's officials do not suspect foul play, but will be conducting toxicology tests.
This is in direct contrast to what will happen upon his brother, Sean Penn's death; where officials will investigate the possibility of foul play, perform toxicology tests, and then dance, screaming "Who's been to Iraq, now, bitch!?"

Apparently, this years American Idol will be the meanest season yet, with Ryan Seacrest reportedly saying "Some contestants have thrown each other under the bus this season".
It's probably good for his self esteem that Seacrest doesn't know those people weren't desperately trying to get on American Idol, they were desperately trying to kill Ryan Seacrest, or themselves. It doesn't matter which, either way you're rid of that douche.

Kanye West will appear on the cover of Rolling Stone dressed as Jesus, and wearing a crown of thorns with "blood" trickling down his face.
Religious groups are not upset about the media people behind this, saying "The Jew's have been doing this kind of thing for years"

Rawson Marshall Thurber will be writing and directing the new Magnum P.I. movie
Finally, somebody has found something even bigger than a moustache to display their inner douchery.

I'm (Semi)-Back, Bitches!

2006-01-04T16:00:00.000+11:00

I know, I'm bad. I've been away for a while, and most of the time I've been either drunk, hungover, or planning to get drunk, so I haven't really had a desire to update this blog. To anybody reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't posted anything new lately, and I'm sorry that you read this crap.

Aeon Fux

2005-11-21T20:07:00.000+11:00

I'm getting excited about this movie. Not because I care about the comic book at all, or that I even care about the film itself. I'm just glad that Charlize Theron is doing movies where she gets to be hot again. Monster I could deal with, because it was about serial killing, but North Country was beginning to worry me that she would only play dyke-haired skanks for the rest of her career. I was beginning to think that The Brazillian Job would be the next movie to show her in a decent light, and I really didn't want to have to see that movie. Not ever.

Toe-ker

2005-11-16T14:14:00.000+11:00

I was watching poker on TV the other day, because, well because I'm a ladies man. And if there's andything the ladies like in a man its staying home on a friday night and watching poker. Throw in my compulsion for self mutilating and I'm the whole package. A real catch.

Anyway, there was a guy playing, who had lost the movement of both of his arms. I was thinking, it reallly just warms my heart, to see that even after all he's gone through; the horrible car accident, the amputation, the years of physical therapy: after all of that, he can still make dozens of people uncomfortable. It warms my heart.
Really, if he can force people to look at his horribly mangled right arm I should be able to chain smoke at the table and blow it in his face. We're both making people uncomfortable, the only difference is that the sight of your arm makes me die a little emotionally, whereas the second hand smoke will slowly kill you pysically.

He was holding his cards with his feet, and then after the hand they'd take his foot-cards and deal them out to other players. But that wasn't even the weirdest thing, the weird part was that there was a guy at the same table, who I'm pretty sure had a foot fetish, and he seemed to really enjoy playing with this guy. He was beating off onto the cards to mark them. The next hand he saw a guy get dealt 2 cards that stuck together, and he knew one of them was an Ace. It's like ESP, but with jizz.

Drinking Is Fun

2005-11-12T18:36:00.000+11:00

I've finished uni for the year and so the last few days have been spent drinking, just like the next few will be.

Tonight I will be attempting a Centurion. That's 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. The rules we play by are that you drink a shot every minute, an extra 5 for every time you throw up, and when you need to pee you have to down enough shots to cover the time it takes you.

I've done this once before, and I ended up doing 110 shots, since I threw up twice. I'll let you know how I do if I wake up at all tomorrow.

DVD-CU

2005-11-10T19:49:00.000+11:00

DVDs are great, its really an amazing piece of technology. Think about it, here we have this disc, with a series of pits and grooves, digitally storing a series of 1s and 0s that translate into hardcore pornography.

Just think about the poor Japanese guy, sitting in a darkened room, working away in his lab, and he exclaims "Finally, I have created the DVD. A revolution in video technology! Now, I'm gonna beat off!"

People are wondering what the new format for video will be. Here's my idea; a disc whose pits and grooves are large enough to store exactly one human sperm. This way, you can watch a porn, beat off onto the disc itself, and there's no clean-up time. The disc will absorb semen. It's a one-time deal of course, so in the second masturbatory session, when you watch the second half of the 9 minute scene that you haven't watched yet, you'll be back to the good old tube sock. So it's not a perfect solution to the clean-up problem, but it's definitely a step in the right direction.

Jenny Jones Is Damn Old

2005-11-08T16:06:00.000+11:00

Here's some useless info from the Imdb page for Jenny Jones that I found funny.

First off, she's 59 years old. Yes, I was shocked, too.

(From the Trivia for her self-titled TV show): In 1995, the show became the focus of a sensational murder trial. On 9 March 1995, 29-year-old Jonathan Schmitz appeared on a show called "Same-Sex Secret Crushes", but having only been told that the show was about secret crushes, he assumed that the admirer was a woman. The secret crush turned out to be his neighbor, 32 year-old Scott Amedure. Feeling that he had been publicly humiliated, Schmitz killed Amedure three days later with a 12 gauge shotgun. Schmitz was tried for first degree murder, but the case was overturned due to a technical error in the jury selection. In 1999, he was tried for Second-degree murder and received a sentence of 20-25 years. In May of that year a civil trial found "The Jenny Jones Show" to have been negligent because they did not screen the guests before inviting them on the show. The show was ordered to pay the Amedure family $25,000,000 for funeral expenses and pain and suffering for each family member. This decision was later overturned on appeal. The show pressed on in spite of sluggish ratings and was finally cancelled in 2003.

Lastly, Jenny Jones was a stand-up comedian. Now, the fact that she's a woman already puts her comedic talents into question, but this little gem from her personal trivia just takes the cake.
"She became infamous on the stand-up comedy circuit for refusing to allow men to attend her comedy shows".

My guess is that no men wanted to attend, and this was her ruse to cover up her man-hating dyke humor.

Searches Are Weird

2005-11-08T13:13:00.000+11:00

I've been getting a few hits from various search engines lately. Here are some of the stranger queries.
"Australian sluts"
"mole hills" (I'm first on the list for this, but unfortunately due to the blogger "Flag This" thing, the text for the search result is "Notify Blogger about objectionable content.")
"cum swapping"
"men using tampons"
"tampon sluts"
"backdoor sluts 9"
"housewife and strippers"
"backdoor sluts"
"tess smith labia"
"choke porn"
"all about dakota fanning" I especially like this one, because it means somebody was trying to learn about this actress, but ended up reading my wishes for her to be molested.
"dakota fanning bad actress". This one is good, too, because it means I am not alone in this
"moist vaginas"
"suicide test" this post worked perfectly. People search for suicide tests and end up at this post, which tells them exactly what to do

Lambdoms

2005-11-06T23:10:00.001+11:00

People think we're exposing our young ones to sexual material at younger and younger ages, which is no more evident than the fact that you can now buy lamb skin condoms. These babies are hardly out of their mother sheep and already their the meat in a human sex sandwich.

They're made from lamb intestines, which is the same way they make sausages. What great mind put 2 and 2 together there? Perhaps somebody was having sex with a lamb, penetrated really far, and realised that the intestine had quite a grab on it. He pulled out, and his penis was covered in a lambs intestines. The sun shimmered against his draining erection, just like Excalibur.

I really should write a book of myths and legends.

A Whore Once More, And Misguided Visitors I'll Score

2005-11-06T23:09:00.000+11:00

1. “Paris Riots”
She certainly does
2. “Steve York”
My whole life I've wanted two single syllable names, but it's never happened. One day, One day.
3. “Mechanical Turk”
So much better than the biological turks.
4. “John Tierney”
We all know who this guy is, why are we still searching for him?
5. “Deadly Fiascos”
Here's a deadly fiasco for you: Walking in on your parents having sex and your father, surprised, pulls out. However, he was right on the brink of orgasm, and uncontrollably fired across the room and hits you. Quite a fiasco, and quite deadly. Not because the ejaculate has enough force to actually kill you, but you may commit suicide afterwards, and I wouldn't blame you.
6. Paris
It's a city. What else do you need to know?
7. “Pat Tillman”
I had no idea who this guy was until now, and I still don't care.
8. China
A whole country this time. Wow.
9. Tierney
Google gives me a picture of this guy. I don't know why, but I thought it was funny.
10. Greasemonkey
This one's just weird. I did, however, dub a fast-food place at my university "Greasemonkeys" after eating there several times, and realizing that no matter what I ordered, by the time I sat down to eat it the paper bag it was in was completely soaked.

Cancer? Shmancer!

2005-11-05T23:38:00.000+11:00

Breast cancer is attracting attention everywhere, you see it all over the place. Well, Superman sees it all over the place because he's got X-ray vision, but we just see it on TV and stuff.
I truly believe, though, that every guy whos girlfriend/wife whatever gets breast cancer, there's a certain part of him that thinks "Cancerous growth? That's more boob for me!"
So, when God punishes me for being such a hateful person by giving me testicular cancer, I won't be sad that I may die, I'll be sad because my penis will look much smaller in comparison. I will, however, look forward to my next ejaculation, just to see if its considerably larger or not.

Two-Pump "Chump"?

2005-11-03T22:31:00.000+11:00

Premature ejaculation has gotten a bad wrap, but there are certain situations where it would actually be an advantage. If you try to rape somebody, but you prematurely ejaculate, its not rape, its just sexual assault. You've gotten off, you've saved yourself a few years in jail, and all for the cost of a pair of Levi's.

People are working on a pill to prevent premature ejaculation right now, which means if you currently shoot too quickly when au natural, you'll have the best of both worlds. If you have a date and think you'll get some action you can take the pill and last a good, long, time. Whereas, if you just want to beat one out before work, you can get it done rather quickly. You'll save face in front of your lady friend, and be an economical masturbator.

(If anybody wants to use the name "Economical Masturbator" for their band, that's fine with me)

The Great Abortion Debate

2005-10-31T19:02:00.000+11:00

When a kid is aborted, what do they do with it? Maybe they can just flush it, but after a couple of months it'd get too big and clog the S-bend. I imagine they have some kind of cardboard with a hole cut in it like at the post office. If it fits through the cardboard it'll get flushed, if not then they have to throw it in the trash. And you just know that there will be some homeless guy waiting out there, who hasn't eaten in months.

Why dont we just feed aborted foetuses to homeless people? What the hell else are we gonna do with them? They're dead anyway, plus they come with their own amniotic sauce. It's the circle of life. Akuna Ma Tata.

Search Term Whoring

2005-10-30T17:39:00.000+11:00

This hours top 10 from Technorati
1. “John Tierney”
No, he isn't the brother of that woman from ER
2. Halloween
Sure, its Halloween soon, but what do you need to search for? You accept candy from strangers with no fear or molestation, and watch crappy horror movies. Thats it.
3. Libby
Apparently quite a popular name. Is this being searched for in the same vein as Cher or Madonna?
4. “One Step Closer To The Big Enchilada"
Why would people care about other peoples Mexican food quests?
5. Delhi
Come on, at least have the dignity to search for New Delhi
6. “David Brooks”
Mel's brother?
7. “Scandals Yet To Come”
My guess at the next scandal is that Colin Powell will admit he is gay, and quite enjoys people pronouncing his name Colon
8. “Janet Jackson”
The now infamous sunbathing video was actually leaked quite a while ago. I had the misfortune of seeing it, but I wont link you to it. Blogger won't like me inciting violence and this blog may be deleted.
9. Kristof
Isn't that a brand of Vodka?
10. “Delhi Blast”
Why is it so many people chose the adjective blast to describe their recent vacation? And why is it they all chose to go to Delhi to have such a good time? I suppose such coincidences have to happen every now and then.

Fecal Analysis

2005-10-29T12:51:00.000+10:00

Warning: The following post is mainly concerned with fecal matter and the process of its elimination. It should only be read by fans of the brow that dare not speak its name.

I've been on a rather strange crap schedule lately. Usually I'm a pretty regular, once in the morning kind of guy, but I haven't had to get up to go to uni in the morning for a while now, and so I haven't woken up before noon. If I don't have to wake up early for anything, then I don't wake up early. So, this moved my schedule from about 8am before uni, until about midday/1pm, when I awake. I must have eaten something bad a few days ago, because instead of my regular morning ablution, yesterday was a hat-trick of liquidity.

Today, however, after a night of drinking, the heat woke me up early. 9am. After a solid meal I was able to produce a nice bowlful of excrement. I found myself analysing it as if I were at a high class wine tasting. Nice volume, excellent consistency. The bouquet, however, I could do without. As the old George Carlin joke goes, "Have you ever noticed that your own farts, smell OK?" While that may be true, your own excrement will always smell like shit. Even if it was a wonderful surprise in the quantity department.

The Crazy Dutchman

2005-10-27T18:57:00.000+10:00

11 die in Dutch airport jail fire
Why the hell is there a jail in the airport? Sure, it's for drug smugglers and illegal immigrants, but they're still in your country, why not put them in a regular jail.
Now, I'm half-dutch, but that doesn't mean I can't pay them out. I got the half that likes weed and has a hairy ass-crack, not the patriotic part.

Also, Two Thirds Of "Ice" Users Are Hooked. This isn't surprising at all. Anybody who does a white-trash drug like ice has to be hooked, nobody does it just for fun. It's not like pot, alcohol, or bestiality.

Trick or Treat (or Unwanted Fingering)

2005-10-27T01:08:00.000+10:00

Pedophiles in New Jersey have been given a curfew on halloween night.
Why during the night? Any pedophile worth his salt (or a young boys salt, i don't know which is worth more to them) knows the freshest meat gets their trick-or-treating done early. You don't hunt when you're prey is asleep, its unsportsmanlike. And if there's anything pedophiles are known for, its their strong character.

This is from the same state who put tracking bracelets around the ankles of child molesters, which is stupid. The penis is what does the damage. There isn't anybody trying to rape an eight year old with their ankles, that's what Crayola's are for.
Put it around their penis, use a 40 year old dude so that it's flacid, and then whenever they get an erection it constricts. They'll be just sitting at home, watching The OC or something, thinking "2 20-something-year-old chicks going at it? That does nothing for me" But then an ad comes on for the new Dakota Fanning movie and thats when it pays off. As I've said many times before, Dakota Fanning is all gums and no teeth. No pedophile can resist that, there's no risk of unfortunate "accidents".

Pools Are Like (Certain) Vaginas

2005-10-24T18:06:00.000+10:00

Public swimming pools have to be one of the most disgusting places on our Earth. Right up there with the cavernous realms of Paris Hiltons vagina. I don't want to sit in the juices of random people I don't know. I don't even like taking a bath, and they're my own juices.

You can quite accurately compare a public swimming pool to Paris Hiltons vagina, or as I like to call it, "twinkie-hole". Both are large, cavernous bodies, mostly moist, and most often contain 20-30 penises and at least 3 fluid-borne diseases.

Once You've Had White, Your Hymen's Stretched Right

2005-10-22T15:59:00.000+10:00

I was thinking today about all those things people say like "Once you've had black, you'll never go back", and there's "Once you've had Asian, you'll never go caucasian". There's heaps of them, but the one thing they all have in common, is that white guys are always doing the cherry popping.

So, keep to your motto and have all the stretched out whore you want. Us honkey's will keep our end of the bargain and break in the virtuous women.

That Can't Be Coincidence

2005-10-19T19:00:00.000+10:00

I've been using EasyHits4u.com to advertise another site of mine, lately. It uses word verification, and usually they are just random letters, until I came across this one.

To Be Young Again

2005-10-18T04:16:00.000+10:00

I would love to be going to school again, in this day and age, just to be in the same class as a kid who was adopted by two gay guys.

Imagine the school-yard arguments. "My dad could beat up your dad", to which the kid would reply "Oh yeah? Well my dad could beat off your dad, and my other dad could beat himself off while he watches.

My Penis-Shaped-Hair Smells Like Guava!

2005-10-17T00:13:00.000+10:00

At every hair salon now the walls are covered with posters of vaguely foreign chicks with strange hair that nobody would ever have. Has anybody ever pointed to one of these pictures and asked "Make me look like that! That androgynous piece of eurotrash with the three strands of hair sculpted into the shape of a penis that's apparently symbolising female-empowerment! Thats what I want"

Also, I just saw a commecial for shampoo. Who the hell decided that grapeseed and avacado oils are good for your hair? Obviously its just because it sounds good and natural, which shows the difference between these stupid hippie people and me. I'd buy a shampoo called hydroxy-methyl-5,8contin if I knew it would clean my hair well, rather than bottled guava juice that does absolutely nothing except smell nice. Just give me the chemicals and I'll be fine.

Mobile Crap

2005-10-14T12:32:00.000+10:00

I'm sick of all the Jamster! mobile ads on TV every 10 minutes. According to them you can "personalise" your mobile to "stand out from the crowd" with this crap. However, the next ad will be for the top 5 ringtones everybody else has been getting this week. How is that personalised?

Terri Schiavo had a better personality than anybody who has the crazy frog ringtone, at every stage of her life. When she was the crazy anorexic, then the brain-dead shit-and-piss factory, and even now that she's in the ground.

Men Have It Bad, Too

2005-10-13T19:57:00.000+10:00

A lot of women complain about the negative images of women in magazines, tv and the like. What about the negative images of men? For women to conform to these images, all you have to do is throw up after you eat, and everybody whose imbibed in a drink or two (or 15) knows how much better you feel after a good vom.

For a guy to conform to these images we actually have to do some work. We have to lift weights, run, eat well, its damn hard. We have to excrecise, chicks just have to finger their throat-hole. And if there's one thing chicks love its fingering holes. (At least they do in my mind)

Rolling fags

2005-10-12T14:43:00.000+10:00

I'm rolling my own cigarettes now, as I have done a few times in the past. The smoke is thicker, which I like, but I also feel cooler. I feel like a rugged outdoors guy, a cowboy. I'm like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction.

However, after a while the novelty wears off, and I just feel like a homeless guy who can't afford real cigarettes. I predict I'll be back on the Marlboro's within a few weeks. Either way I'm a cowboy, but rolling my own I find myself constantly labelling all the bags of powder in my house, just in case Uma Thurman feels that her boogers could use a little sugar.

Am I A Prude?

2005-10-10T18:51:00.000+10:00

I'm a guy, and as such, I enjoy pornography on occasion, but there are some things that I can do without.

First off, I watch straight porn, so I don't want any close-up shots of a guys face, or butt. I know this may sound strange, but maybe I'm just a strange guy. This category can also include close-up shots of penetration. There's just a little more penis in the shot than I'm comfortable with.

"Cum-swapping" is kind of gross. I don't know who decided it is a turn-on to see a woman spitting semen on to her labia, but it sure as hell wasn't me. It was probably the same guy who insists on that rope of saliva/precum extending from penis to face.

Still on the subject of fellatio, what is it about using your penis to slap a girl in the face that pornstars seem to love so much? I thought that tradition was saved for sexually frustrated, closeted homosexual teenagers living in dormatories and their sleeping room mates.

I'm sure I'm not alone here, but with perils abound, we still consume porn by the truckload.

Tampon Talk

2005-10-09T15:27:00.000+10:00

Lets talk about tampons. First of all, guys, be honest with me. We've all stolen a tampon, poured water on it, and laughed as it expanded, conjuring images in our minds.

A company here in Australia has brought out coloured tampons. I'm not sure if its the tampon itself, or perhaps just the wrapping, but either way I don't like it. These are supposed to be "funky", and "fun". If there's fun happening around the vagina and I'm not involved in any way, I feel unwanted. Now I know how women feel when they look under your bed and find a copy of "Backdoor Sluts 9".

What kind of idea is the tampon? Who was the genius who came up with this idea?
"There's something coming out of there, how about we just, uh, plug it up?"
Not only is the word tampon French for "plug", but I believe in medieval times an actual cork was used. If you got them quick enough, fresh from the top of a wine bottle, you could get a nice buzz going.

Also, the tampon industry is really the only one in which a business has never used the phrase "think outside the box". Their motto is moreso concentrating on what's inside the box, whats trying to get out of it, and keeping it in there until such time as it can be properly disposed of.

The Wonders Of Satellite TV

2005-10-08T13:26:00.000+10:00

Last night the Comedy Channel in Australia aired the Conan for Thursday, in which U2 were the first guest, second guest, and musical guest. On an unrelated note, I started cutting myself, and pressing lit cigarettes into my arm. Sure, there was still a good old Conan segment at the start, but the rest was just Bono being Bono, and Bono sucks.

Thank God E! were showing a sex change operation so that when the magic of Conan halted, and the focus was shifted onto the wailings of a man with but one name, I could watch a penis being flayed in two, and feel a little better inside.

Actually, E! were showing some bullshit about celebrities that doesn't interest anybody with two brain cells to rub together (or even more). I didn't even look at the tv guide to find that out. Its E! for fucks sake, it's always the same crap.

Now that I have satellite, I receive several channels I don't really want to.

ACC - The Australian Christian Channel. Yeah, it's just as lame as it sounds. A few days ago they aired a comedy special. A Christian comedy special. This actually fused the two worst possible things in comedy, props and christianity.

TVSN - The TV Shopping Network. At least it's on its own channel now, so I don't have to watch it.

UKTV - Why would I ever want to watch british TV? At one time they played a marathon of "The Bill". It lasted all day and all night for two weeks straight. Other than that they just show other british TV, with british people on it. I can't watch it because I just hate the british accent, it sounds weird, and I don't sound strange at all, no matter where you're from. Also, british comedy is lame. Seeing men in womens clothing making strange voices and running into doors just isn't really that funny.

Don't You Tell Nobody

2005-10-07T22:41:00.000+10:00

OK, I know, these meme things are really lame. However, they're mostly lame when they are used as a substitute for a real post, and since I've already posted about my hatred of an 11 year old girl I've never met, I'm good for today. Now on with the meme.

This one is, you look up "(your first name) needs" in Google, and see what it comes up with. My favourite results are William needs...
lifting and has to be tube fed.
to stop killing for sport.
this doll so he can learn how to be a good father some day.
to do more research before he is ready for prime time.
to earn a 3rd and final norm, and in doing so, he will be the second Black player in the U.S. to earn the coveted title.

I'm sick of Dakota Fanning

2005-10-07T14:44:00.000+10:00

Seriously, everybody is saying she's a wonderful actor, but she isn't. She's not old enough to be a good actor. So far, all you can tell is that she isn't a bad actor. Of all child actors, most of them suck. Dakota Fanning, however, is called a "marvellous talent" because on the set of her first acting gig she didn't freak out, lie on the floor in a foetal position, and scream for her mother.

She's all gums and no teeth. It looks as if somebody punched her in the mouth, which I consider the Lords work.

The last thing I saw her in was Hide and Seek, and she was such a little bitch in that movie. I found myself hoping that the next-door guy whose kid died was going to molest her. In the movie, of course.

So, take that, little miss 11 year old. Somebody on the internet dislikes you. I hope you develop an eating disorder.

Processed Meat In Your Box

2005-10-06T20:57:00.000+10:00

Spam. We all get it, and we all hate it.

For some reason unbeknownst to me, these people have got it into their heads that my name is Mark Heinz. My name is not Mark Heinz, and I've never signed up to anything with that name. I use a combination of 3 things to stop this.

BugMeNot.com gives you usernames/passwords to sites like http://www.nytimes.com/
Mailinator.net gives you a temporary email address to sign up to sites
and finally, my 2 most popular fake names are Anus Hole and Magic Mondel.

The classic spam is for a pill to add 3 inches to the length of your penis. 2 things.
1. Having to shove a pill up your urethra every day wouldn't be worth an extra 3 inches.
2. After I've run the course of a full treatment, how the hell will I find a woman with a 15 inch vagina?

Penis enlargement pills do not work. What does work, however, is surgery. And let me be the first to inform all you organ donors of the possible fate of your tissue, which is to be used as donor tissue in a penis enlargement surgery. Yes, look it up. In procedures to increase the girth, the penis will be flayed in two, and your tissue will be wrapped around the core, before the skin is zipped back on.

Now, I'm an organ donor myself, and I can only hope that if I was wrong in my atheism, that I transcend unto the heavens with an entirely new body, unlike those people who were born paraplegics. God just hates you, he'll never reverse his own work.

Everything Is Numbers (Especially Ratings)

2005-10-05T12:07:00.000+10:00

If you have ever seen the "best new action drama on tv" otherwise known as "Numb3rs", then I'm sorry for your pain. I hate this show. It sucks, and here's why.

First off, the name. Numb3rs. I see what you did there, and its lame. Se7en was a good one, but you're no Se7en.

The maths guy. He sucks. Every time I see him I can't help but think about him being the kid from The Addams Family Values who wanted some of that Wednesday-goth-tang. Also, he's a fucking blowhard. He often says things like "everything is numbers", which often makes me want to punch him in his blowhard face.

Finally, there's something about the main dude that I associate with poor quality. Something about the way he looks, I just think of bad TV. The same thing happens with this guy from The District. Something about his nose just screams "We couldn't afford an actor with a regular nose, we suck!". Of course, airing The District at 1am is also a hint of bad TV, but this guy is just poor quality TV personified.

The Chronicles Of Site Satire, Vol. 1

2005-10-04T21:41:00.000+10:00

This is the first of what I presume will form into a series of posts in which I will call "Site Satire", and my god is it a good one today.

The site is Devil's Advocate, and its not just a generic, crappy mommy blog. It IS a crappy mommy blog, but there's a twist. This woman claims to have supernatural "gifts".

In one post she offers up a pearl of wisdom, explaining that a pink hairband around the big toe will help to ward off evil spirits, offering a photo of her foot in the process. The most important thing this photo can tell us is that she is the kind of person who paints flowers on her toe nails. This is right up there on the Stupid-Ho-A-Meter along with holding your gum on your finger while giving a blow job.

As with all "I'm a mother, my kids are so cute" blogs, we learn a few things about her children, such as their names. There are 2 children, one named "Boo", and the other "Miracle". The thing is, that child should only be named miracle if they do not live in a trailer park for the rest of their life, sitting in the middle of a pentagram, surrounded by candles. With a mother who would name you Miracle, you have no chance at anything resembling a life.

Naming your child Boo is just weird. Growing up with that name means that for the first years of your life, after telling other children your name, you will be greeted with screams of "Oh, yeah, that scared me. Boo. I get it" The children will then run away and you will be left with a terrifying fear of telling people your first name, which will lead you to being capable of only one mode of human relationship-no names BDSM clubs.

One other thing, if you know of BlogExplosion, you will know of their Battle Of The Blogs feature. This woman always wagers 13 credits on each battle, which I assume puts a hex on her opponent, while protecting her and members of her coven.

This person has children. Therefore I conclude that either there is no god, or he is looking for some kinky BDSM sex in heaven and he's just thinking ahead.

Who'd Have Guessed?

2005-10-04T15:31:00.000+10:00

Fantasia is illiterate. Wait a second. A black woman in america, had a child at 17, named her child Zion, and is named Fantasia herself. She wasn't into the book-learning? What a surprise.

Also, she's writing her memoirs - well, having them written for her - at the age of 21.

More news for today is that people are trying to get the abortion pill back into common usage among Australian sluts.

The weird thing is, why is it illegal in the first place? Surgical abortion is totally legal here, so why the hell not have a pill that pushes a blob of cells out 2 days later rather than having a vaccuum shoved inside of you. Both ways we're killing a foetus, which by the way I am totally cool with. Up until you develop conscious thought, you are just like an animal. And as such, so long as it is done humanely, you can be killed and I'll have no problem with it.

So, in summary, that black bitch from American idol is a stupid ho, and I'm in favour of killing babies. Stay tuned for my next post where I explain the advantages of Hitlers final solution.

Strippers

2005-10-04T14:18:00.000+10:00

Here's another one...

Hey, baby, you don't want a lap-dance? You just want me to talk about myself? Sure, I can do that. I'm going to college, just doing this to pay my tuition. Sure, uncle Steve raped me with a Crayola when I was 7, but that was back then, I'm living in the now.

When I was 8 my dad and his friends used to play "Special Circle Game". I had to wear a blind-fold and drink special soda. It tasted bad and made me feel funny. They called it "happy juice". I did the rounds on the group; a BJ here, a handy there. But, come on, I was a sexual person. I was very sensual, thats just the way I was. Some 8 year olds like candy, I liked going down on middle-aged men, what are you gonna do?

Don't mind the scars on my body, most of them weren't self inflicted. Sure, the copious scar tissue on my arms is from those lonely nights of shame, when I'd pull out my razor (good old mr sharpy-sharp I called him) and run it across the skin. Just to feel. Feel anything. It didn't matter if it was pain or pleasure, just to know I was alive is all I was looking for.

Oh yeah, this one on my abdomen, that was from my 3rd child. He had foetal alcohol syndrome and didn't crown properly. He had to be delivered via C-section, and my health insurance wouldn't cover the scar removal even though it's clearly a work expense. I mean, I know it wasn't proper work insurance, but Magic Mondel looks after me. He says that if he handles all my money I won't blow it on "worthless bitch-shit".

I use heroin, but it's not a problem. I've only been doing it for 3 years, and it's on and off, like not even every day. It's no big deal. I totally clean of the spoon before I use it to feed my baby. I'm pretty sure I clean it before I pass out, but I can't afford cleaning fluid so i have to make do other ways. It's cool though, urine is totally sterile.

I'm not using birth control right now, but I've had sex millions of times and I've only had 5 kids so my batting average is pretty good. I don't live with most of my kids, but just as soon as my parole officer wakes up to the fact that I'm a great mom my babies will be back with me like they should be. A baby's place is with their mother, you know? Not some fancy-pants foster family with their new-fangled food and that house of theirs. You don't need no house to live in. I get by just fine with my trailer. It's literally a moving house. I'm a rambling woman, so I've got to have my trailer. As soon as I start to get close to a guy I have to leave. I dunno, I guess that's just the way I am. It has nothing to do with my history of sexual abuse, it's just me. What are you gonna do?

Well, that's the end of the song, I gotta go see Magic Mondel quick, the cigar burns on my labia still haven't healed from last time.

Have I Got An Invention For You...

2005-10-03T20:31:00.000+10:00

This is quite possibly my greatest idea ever. After many years together, a couple may feel bored with their sex life, and be in need of a little excitement. This is where I come in. (Yes, I left that sentence just the way it is because it sounds funny).

I propose we get our best bio-engineers working around the clock on a kind of reverse vasectomy, some kind of implant in the seminal vesicle, which stimulates the gland, forcing it to produce more semen. However, this will not be constantly happening. My plan is that one time in every 10 or 12 ejaculations, instead of the standard teaspoon, you will ejaculate a full 3 litres, in the same amount of time, creating enourmous seminal force. Talk about excitement.

It's kind of like Russian Roulette, except instead of cold hard lead pumped into your brain through your temple, you get hot gooey man juice pumped into your brain-stem, entering your body through your cervix.

I'll make a million dollars with this. If I can just find somebody weird enough to want this, and rich enough to pay a million dollars for it.

The Revolution Is Upon Us

2005-10-02T14:36:00.000+10:00

If you regularly participate in Blog Explosion's Battle of The Blogs, then you no doubt know about this site. You should also know about this spoof of it.

The owners of interesting blogs that dont suck are rising up, and here is proof.

Now, if I could only figure out how to update my damn screenshot.

"No dead queers around here!"

2005-10-02T11:30:00.000+10:00

Read this and just remember that everybody has the right to protest, and that everybody's opinion matters. Except for these people. They suck.

One thing I like is that they are going to be protesting at the funeral. What? Gay people aren't allowed to be buried?

They say that God is punishing America by killing its soldiers. So why are they wasting their time protesting this funeral? They obviously have a lot to learn from a little movie called The Man Who Sued God

Choke Till Ya Choke

2005-10-01T19:20:00.000+10:00

I heard about this on Loveline a few months ago, but this is the first real article I've read about it.

A quote from the article...
"Is this familiar or similar to choking game incidents? Yes"

Why do people ask questions and then immeadiately answer them? I'll tell you why, and glaze over the obvious hypocrisy. It's because they don't really have anything to say, and they want to talk for a little more. Why don't these people just get a LiveJournal, then they can talk as long as they want about how cute their boyfriend is, and how Katie bought the same shoes as they did and now they aren't BFFs.

Apparently in this "choking game", you cut off your air supply in an attempt to get high. I do a similar thing, where I dont strangle myself, but I do cut off my air intake. Instead I breath in marijuana smoke, and I don't kill myself in the process, although the lung cancer, and constriction of my arteries from the excessive Cheeto consumption will eventually say otherwise.

The reason these kids aren't following my lead, like the Pied Piper of Pot I am, is probably because they're too young and scared to try weed. The kids in this article were all about 12, or 14. The thing is, if you're life is so horrible that you want to get high at the age of 12, it's probably better that you're dead. Not for you, of course, but for society. It means that the next time I go to the ATM I can feel a little better about taking out a 50, and I won't have to wear the phonebooks I duct-tape to my chest in an attempt to deflect the cheap shanks constructed by meth-heads looking to score. I figure the best way to combat crude prison weapons is with crude prison armour.

Random Thoughts

2005-10-01T16:21:00.000+10:00

Here are a few strange thoughts I've had lately.

When you get hit in the balls with something, and it hurts badly because your testicles were squashed, why is it that you instinctually hold your crotch?

When a guy who's impotent pisses somebody off, and they tell him to go fuck himself, would they get upset?

When was the saying "A dime a dozen" first spoken? It must have been a long time ago, and due to inflation I'll bet that the same dime would only get you 2 or 3 nowadays, and there's no way you'd get a discount fuel voucher with your purchase.

Suicide Test

2005-10-01T11:56:00.000+10:00

I've just created an online suicide quiz. Scroll down and you can find out whether or not you should kill yourself.
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Yes, you should kill yourself. Everybody who takes online quizzes should die.

TV, multiplied

2005-09-30T18:23:00.000+10:00

I woke up at 7am this morning, which is bad. I had to do it so I could have Foxtel Digital Satellitel TV installed, which is good. So, I now have an extra 60 or so channels, including, but not limited to
Fox News, E!, Aurora Community Television, Australian Christian Channel, and The How To Channel.

Most importantly, though, I get The Comedy Channel, which means I can now watch new, good quality episodes of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, unlike the horrible episodes I would download every week, before my copyright infringement notices, that is.

This weekend is an 80 episode Just Shoot Me! marathon, and in a few weeks an Arrested Development season 1 marathon. I love you, Mr Satellite.

Homeless People Suck

2005-09-30T14:16:00.000+10:00

I dont give money to the homeless, because they neither deserve nor need it. I've seen the same homeless guy in the city for the past 2 years and he's still alive. I've never given him anything and he's survived thus far, so he obviously doesn't need my money.

Also, the homeless aren't just people who are down on their luck, got laid off and now they're on the street. If a regular person gets fired, they bounce back. Homeless people are all alcoholics/drug addicts.

Probably the worst thing for a homeless person would be the drug addiction. Scott Weiland could afford his heroin habit, but if you're homeless, that would suck. You dont have the money to get your fix, so you do what most people would do in this situation-go a stealin'. The thing is, though, you've only eaten half a snickers in the last three days, so you don't have the energy to steal anything more than glances at passers by.

On a related note, this makes for some interesting reading.

A Quick Note

2005-09-29T17:07:00.000+10:00

If you have a blog that plays music when it loads, please fucking die. Take your blog off the internet first so I don't have to hear you're crappy accoustic songs about Jesus, and then kill yourself.

Pimping My Wares

2005-09-29T13:16:00.000+10:00

Well, I now have me a Cafe Press shop, and you should all buy the 2 shirts I've designed.

First off, show everybody that you're pro environment, and pro poo-humour, with a nice "Feco-Friendly" shirt.

Also, let people know that just because you're bustin' caps, that doesn't mean you can't talk about your feelings, with this "Sensitive New Age Gangsta" shirt.

And don't worry, there won't be a piece of cellophane attatched to the shirt that says "SAMPLE"

Shitplay?

2005-09-29T11:19:00.000+10:00

I was thinking today about the proverbial ideal day of 8 hours sleep, 8 hours work, 8 hours play. Most things can fall into one of those 3 categories, except for taking a crap. First off, it doesn't happen while you sleep. I haven't finished my scat-play website yet, so nobody pays me for it, which means its not work. And I'm not the kind of guy who would go to one of those websites, so I can't count it as play.

Well, thats the kind of stuff I think about anyway.

Franz And Friends

2005-09-28T11:58:00.000+10:00

On the left is Dennis Franz, who plays Detective Sipowicz on NYPD Blue, and on the right is vocal anti-war MP George Galloway

I love doing these things.

Sometimes Intelligent Means Stupid

2005-09-28T09:11:00.000+10:00

It was only a matter of time befor the debate over teaching Intelligent Design in schools moved toward litigation. The most ironic thing is that supporters of Intelligent Design are often the stupidest people you'll ever meet. The thing is, evolution is real. Its a fact. If you believe anything else, then fine, you are free to believe anything you want, you're just an idiot.

What are we going to be teaching in schools next? Cigarettes may or may not be bad for you? Just because I smoke a pack a day and cough up horrible gunge every morning, whose to say those things are related? Maybe the cigarettes just clear out the sinuses so much that they allow this crap to exit my body, rather than actually put it there.

We're supposed to be teaching children in our schools, not presenting one obvious fact and a whole bunch of insane "beliefs" because a few people with weird religions cried onto a print-out of the American Constituion then mailed it to some politician. Evolution is how it happened, and it makes perfect sense. Now we have people who want a typical school day to go something like this...

"Miss, how did humans get on Earth?"

"Well, some people believe it was evolution, others believe that somebody else did it."

"Who did it?"

"Well, nobody knows. But it was probably somebody, I mean, if there's no God then how'd all this get here?"

"Well, touche. Oh, no, I mean Douche. You are a douche bag."

Teaching Intelligent Design as a legitimate theory on the beginnings of life is just ridiculous. Why don't you people move to a nice Amish town? You'll probably like it much more.

I Have No Shame

2005-09-27T17:46:00.000+10:00

First off, a few news headlines and my comments.

'We Helped Iran Buy Time' - Rolex for Oil program doing well

Solar-power cars set off across outback - Race The Sun 2, currently filming

D'Angelo Okay After Virginia Car Crash - Millions of music fans disappointed

For returning readers: yes, I've started whoring myself and placed Google Adsense up there. But, I've also done a little work on the site template, like adding those links to the left and screwing around with the style-sheet a little. Once my account has been activated I'll probably leave the ads there for about a month or so, then decide if its worth keeping them.

Celebrity Marriages

2005-09-27T11:08:00.000+10:00

Well, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are now married, or perhaps not by the time I finish typing out this post. The weird thing is that Bruce Willis was apparently at the wedding. I thought this man would have held a major grudge. I saw Die Hard, he just can't let anything die, whether its bad movie sequels, or the thought of not being able to bang who he calls "that Striptease bitch" anymore.

Somebody snapped this shot of him, probably trying to win back Demi, or maybe even Ashton?

This next stuff isn't news, but its related stuff that I have some thoughts about.

Britney Spears and her husband had a child, who will only ever be known as "Britney Spears' Child".

Perhaps the thing I'm looking forward to the most will be the dialogue exchanged between doctor and nurse in the delivery room while Jennifer Garner gives birth to Ben Afflecks child.

"Nurse, the child isn't crowning properly, he's turned around, we may have to do a C-section"

"No, Doctor, thats his chin"

Get Smart, Indeed

2005-09-27T10:40:00.000+10:00

Don adams died at 82, which is only 4 years from his famous code of 86. He missed it by that much.

(I had to do it)