I might make this into a regular feature, "You Suck And Here's Why". I'll start off with Shakespeare.
Shakespeare, you suck. Get with the times, man! If everybody dies at the end, that's not a comedy! Unless they all die but one guy who robs them, rubs their dead penises, and then says "I guess that makes me a prickpocket", that's hilarious. And sexy.
They didn't have Bic's in his day, so I'm pretty sure that he wrote at least one play with a quill. I would say that anybody who writes with a quill is gay, but it's already obvious that Shakespeare was a flaming homo, and Othello proved that he liked his penis the same way I like my coffee; black. He also liked his coffee the same way I like my penis, but that's another post for another day.
According to the gossip fag, both the Olsen twins wore a band-aid on the same foot this weekend. He speculates that maybe they got matching tattoos, but I'm thinking something a little darker. Maybe that's the spot they prefer to inject their crystal meth? That would also explain their weight, considering it's hard to pack on the pounds when every day you only eat a Snickers, a few ounces of orange juice and maybe a shot of jizz.
According to In Touch Weekly, Tara Reid narrowly evaded arrest several weeks ago. That's right, she had a breast reduction.
Hopefully while she was in there she also removed that hideous areola-scar that made me proclaim I would never masturbate again, then quickly change that to "never masturbate to that picture of Tara Reid", then make an even quicker change to "never masturbate to that part of that picture.
Also, lately there have been a few photoshopped pictures of Lindsay Lohan's vagina. To me, this is very strange. I don't find vaginas to be all that attractive. Sure, I love the feeling, and I feel an incredible pull towards it, but when it comes down to it, I'd much rather look at some T and/or A than a vagina. Especially one of a redhead because they creep me out. Plus, us Mormon's believe that freckles are a punishment just a step below what he gave the American Indians.
Madonna has a lot of connections to the AIDS virus. Both came around in the 80s, were originally known by a different name, and are now more popular amongst gay people than straight.
However, there is quite a disconnect in the attraction department, since despite how much you like her music, no man gay or straight would find her attractive. Seriously, the outfit she donned for the video "Hung Up" wasn't a leotard, but rather a full body granny-panty.
If only Madonna would literally fuck herself and die of AIDS, I'd be a happy man.
The Virgin Mary apparently gave birth to Jesus about 2000 years ago. Women bitch about child-birth now, but could you imagine pushing out a child on a bed made of straw, no pain medication, and with an in-tact hymen?
I don't think she was a virgin. I think that her husband, Josef, just had a really small penis. When the doctor of their day went in for the examination he declared "My God, this woman is still a virgin". Josef's there in the background saying "Yeah, sure, a virgin. If I had sex with her I would have torn that thing up!"
People who walked around all in black, wearing eye-liner, really piss me off. "Why do people think I'm a freak?" Because you went out of your way to look like one, that's why.
If you make a conscious decision to appear in such a way that many people consider to be that of a freak, then we will consider you yourself to be a freak. It's just like when I exposed myself at the primary school, and people rightly assumed I was a pedophile. Everybody except for Johnny Law, that is, who bought my story that I was just tying my shoes, slipped, and accidently penetrated that 8 year old's "turkish delight".
It puts you in a vicious cycle. You feel ostracised, so you crazy yourself up, and then people ostracise you more because the mascara means nobody would ever want to spend any time with you. So, next time you're listening to a Nine Inch Nails album and gently tracing a razor over your wrists, please, push a little harder, like I did with that 8 year old.
Today and tomorrow, and yesterday as well, are the Worlds Greatest Shave For a Cure, in which you shave your head to show your commitment to the Leukaemia Foundation. Or you can just colour your hair to show how semi-committed-but-not-really you are to the Leukaemia Foundation.
I'm not going to be doing anything, because I'm a good, God-fearing man, and if a child has cancer then maybe God just wants him to die. If God wants us to find a cure, then you're no more likely to find it contributing money and shaving your head than I am while stuffing bills into a strippers G-string and shaving my balls to rid myself of the crabs that were transmitted while getting a special 2-song vag-on-knee-dance from Candi because she's the least attractive stripper there but that's only because of the C-section scars, the rest of her body is a solid 6.
Who knew cancer could be so cathartic?
(Recently I got a hit from the search term "strippers with c section scars", so hopefully this post will bring in a few more perverts)
If you like traditional sitcoms or bad stand-up comedy, then you know that women don't like it when men leave the toilet seat down. Here's the thing: why don't you leave it up? If you would learn how to work a hinge, this wouldn't even be a problem.
It's just another way for women to subtly control you and undermine your manhood at the same time, like when they get you to buy them tampons, or say "deeper!" If I could go any deeper I would, I'm not an idiot. I just have a small dick and by the way, thanks for pointing it out, bitch.